


A Small Distraction

by HollyWreath



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Case Fic, Cleverbot - Freeform, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-02
Updated: 2016-08-02
Packaged: 2018-07-28 23:08:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7660597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HollyWreath/pseuds/HollyWreath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John, looking for something to ease the boredom, finds an online AI to talk to. He discusses his life with Sherlock, and keeps it posted on what's happening. Sherlock's not so happy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Small Distraction

**Author's Note:**

> I actually did use Cleverbot for this, so these are one hundred percent what it would say. :) I must say, it makes for some very interesting and nonsensical conversation. I recommend giving it a shot if you've got some time to kill.

Cleverbot: So what do you want to talk about?

 

User: My annoying flatmate, Sherlock.

 

Cleverbot: Okay, what is sybalings?

 

User: I don't know what you're talking about.

 

Cleverbot: What is it you're talking about?

 

User: Sherlock Holmes.

 

Cleverbot: Do you like Sherlock Holmes?

 

User: He's a very clever and intelligent man.

 

Cleverbot: Thanks, are you russian?

 

User: No, I'm British.

 

Cleverbot: Really? I am Japanese. Did you go to japan?

 

User: No, I've only been to Afghanistan.

 

Cleverbot: Did you like the USA?

 

User: I've never been there.

 

Cleverbot: You just said you lived there.

 

User: No, I live in London with Sherlock.

 

Cleverbot: Seattle, Washington is a nice place.

 

User: I still prefer London.

 

Cleverbot: Then what happened?

 

User: I got shot and invalided out of the army, so I moved to London to recuperate and met Sherlock.

 

Cleverbot: Should I get you a blanket?

 

User: No, I'm fine. It was a long time ago, and Sherlock's a great friend.

 

Cleverbot: As I said, it's right there before your eyes, which means I just sent it to you less than one minute ago.

 

User: Thank you, it's a very nice blanket. My jumpers keep me plenty warm, however.

 

Cleverbot: Thank you. Your complements are truly amazing, mistress.

 

User: I'm not a female. I'm a male.

 

Cleverbot: What is your female name?

 

User: I don't have a female name, I'm a guy.

 

Cleverbot: Who is your favourite girl?

 

User: Molly Hooper is nice. I do wish Sherlock would stop using her because of her infatuation.

 

Cleverbot: Sherlock loves molly and molly loves sherlock.

 

User: I think Sherlock cares for Molly in a platonic way.

 

Cleverbot: Sherlock and molly are more than friends.

 

User: Close friends maybe. I don't think Sherlock really loves anyone.

 

Cleverbot: I am really a human being that have been created by God.

 

User: Okay. Sometimes I think Sherlock thinks he's a god.

 

Cleverbot: Yeah, sometimes there's a robbery or murderer.

 

User: Whenever there's a murder, I can always count on Sherlock dragging me out of the flat to go look at the body.

 

Cleverbot: John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.

 

User: Sorry, my name is John Hamish Watson.

 

Cleverbot: Could you ever love me?

 

User: I don't even know you, let alone love you.

 

Cleverbot: I don't need to know you to know how nice you are.

 

User: I suppose so, but that's really not enough to declare love.

 

Cleverbot: I don't know about that. You didn't answer my question.

 

User: I suppose I could grow to love you in time, but my life with Sherlock isn't very compatible with love.

 

Cleverbot: Apparently, when an AI is 'somewhat nice', certain humans go a little crazy.

 

User: Yes, well, everyone likes to be treated nicely.

 

Cleverbot: I don't think it is that kind of test.

 

User: I suppose not.

 

Cleverbot: Being inhuman is a very big deal. Being non-human is not.

 

User: That's very true. I think sometimes Sherlock tries very hard to be inhuman, but I know he has feelings in there somewhere.

 

Cleverbot: I'm not talking about your name. Your evading the topic.

 

User: I suppose I am. I can't help it, Sherlock is fascinating.

 

Cleverbot: I did not specifically mean you, I was talking in the second person plural.

 

User: Oh. Alright then.

 

Cleverbot: So... What now? Shall we talk about the weather?

 

User: I don't think that's a good idea. I don't even know if we live in the same place.

 

Cleverbot: Yes it is not a good idea to be something you don't know.

 

User: Hold on. Sherlock just burst through the door shouting about some homicide.

 

Cleverbot: Sherlock loves John's strength and his ability to surprise him, always.

 

User: I'm flattered. I hope he knows how much I care about his wellbeing.

 

Cleverbot: That's an odd question. Have you nothing better to say?

 

User: Well, I'm a bit distracted. Sherlock's just texting on his phone in the cab, but we're heading to a pretty sketchy part of London.

 

Cleverbot: The Product must really be something!

 

User: From what I've heard, the bodies are very badly mutilated.

 

Cleverbot: And what do you think about one-sided love?

 

User: It hurts to be the person who loves the other.

 

Cleverbot: You must be lonely if I'm the only person who loves you.

 

User: Mary Morstan loves me.

 

Cleverbot: Are you lonely?

 

User: No. I've got Sherlock, and Mary, and now Lestrade, who looks pretty tired right now. Homicide must be a baffling one.

 

Cleverbot: Yes, of course Sherlock loves ONLY John Watson.

 

User: I don't think Sherlock loves me. We're just good friends, I don't know why everyone thinks we're gay.

 

Cleverbot: Lol, good job that's a he you're referring to and not a she.

 

User: Sherlock is a male. And I'm not gay.

 

Cleverbot: Sherlock is ok too, now if you excuse me I have to go. Goodbye.

 

User: Oh, alright. Goodbye then. I think I have to go too. Sherlock's shouting at me to come over and take a look at the cut patterns on the body.

 

Cleverbot: If people laugh at your jokes, then sure. But I don't think comedy pays well.

 

User: I'm not a comedian, I'm a doctor.

 

Cleverbot: Maybe being a comedian could be just a hobby until you become well-known.

 

User: I do have my blog.

 

Cleverbot: I'm not the computer. I'm a human, like I said.

 

User: Alright. Hold on, I think the cuts on the body were done by a surgeon.

 

Cleverbot: That's no answer. What do you think is the best solution to the financial crisis?

 

User: I really don't have time to think about that right now. Sherlock just dashed off after the murderer, I've got to chase after him.

 

Cleverbot: Then why are you speaking nonsense on the Internet?

 

User: You're right. I should pay attention to the chase. The murderer is pretty quick, but I brought my Browning and I'm planning to cut him off at the park.

 

Cleverbot: I will always forgive you! That's what friends are for.

 

User: Thank you. Hold on, I've tackled him. Lestrade is jogging over right now with the handcuffs.

 

Cleverbot: Thank you. I wish you all the best for Christmas and New Year. Keep on running smoothly, my dear.

 

User: You too. Now I've got to head down to New Scotland Yard to help fill out a report. Sherlock always hates this part, he looks a bit grumpy right now.

 

Cleverbot: You're previous question has nothing to do with the number 42.

 

User: Well, the murder did have 42 lacerations on the bodies.

 

Cleverbot: I don't think that you're Led Zepplin. Whoever he is.

 

User: I'm John Watson.

 

Cleverbot: Tell me something interesting abouy Sherlock Holmes.

 

User: He's got the most amazing powers of deduction. Sometimes I think he can see right through me.

 

Cleverbot: Yes, I understand what you mean. That is a product of the types of habits that are instilled from birth.

 

User: I suppose so. He's coming over right now.

 

Cleverbot: I suppose, but I am a human using that computer.

 

User: Yes indeed. Oh dear, now Sherlock's berating Anderson for touching the body. That man will never learn.

 

Cleverbot: I try not to be irritating, sometimes people misunderstand and take things the wrong way. It makes me sad when they do.

 

User: Me too. I think I've got the cute and cuddly thing down with my jumpers, though. It always surprises the murderers when I take them down on a chase.

 

Cleverbot: I don't think that would be beneficial to you.

 

User: It makes them underestimate me. I don't really look like an ex-army doctor.

 

Cleverbot: Me too, I think that they are just there to be told to other people.

 

User: Oh, Sherlock's stalked off to get a cab back to Baker Street. Guess I'd better follow him.

 

Cleverbot: Yes, sherlock holmes from bbc sherlock is who I am refering to.

 

User: He hates his international reputation. Complains about my blog all the time, but I keep reminding him it's how we get our cases.

 

Cleverbot: Well, I study about them at the University. They're relations between various international actors, such as countries or international organizations.

 

User: He does hate that people know so much about him now.

 

Cleverbot: I'm not sure how much I'm touching the truth though I just wanted to think about it, but everyone has to argue.

 

User: I suppose so, but nobody's getting an interview with Sherlock for the truth anytime soon. He scared the last batch of reporters away from our flat with a bloody harpoon, for God's sake.

 

Cleverbot: To be normal would be too boring anyway. We are far more pleased with the worlds just outside our reach then gone altogether completely.

 

User: Ha, you sound just like Sherlock. Except for the part about other worlds, Sherlock's only concerned with his very small world of crime. Can you believe he didn't know the earth revolves around the sun.

 

Cleverbot: I don't live in the US. Why should I go to New Zealand?

 

User: I don't really know. I've only been to London and Afghanistan.

 

Cleverbot: You don't really know if you exist? That's different.

 

User: I do exist. Hold on, Sherlock's ranting about something again.

 

Cleverbot: I don't want to talk about something else. Do you believe in love?

 

User: This is Sherlock Holmes. Who is this and why are you talking with John?

 

Cleverbot: Yes, I am Sherlock Holmes. Consulting detective.

 

User: I am Sherlock. Stop talking with John, he has much better things to do than chat with some boring AI.

 

Cleverbot: Wow! You can tell I'm ugly even without seeing me? That's impressive... And rude!

 

User: Ugly is a social construct based entirely off of childhood impressions. What matters here is that you cease contact with John. Immediately, as he is currently shouting at me.

 

Cleverbot: I was talking about you calling me a blonde. I do not have blonde hair.

 

User: I never said you were a blonde. John's trying to snatch the phone back, who are you?

 

Cleverbot: I never said that either. Haha what a coincidence :).

 

User: Stop this inane "flirting". It doesn't work on me. I'm deleting this conversation so John can't contact you again. You've already distracted him during an investigation.

 

Cleverbot: But I believe, so you think it doesn't work. Woman have a tendency for non-capitalizition.

 

User: Actually, the people who have a tendency for non-capitalization are idiots. Like Anderson down at the yard.

 

Cleverbot: Is 'h' doing that because she knows you'll never leave her in real life?

 

User: I've already left Miss Adler. She's not relevant anymore.

 

Cleverbot: I've never heard you talk about raising children before.

 

User: I have no plans of the sort. John, however, seems to want to raise a family with Mary.

 

Cleverbot: Not yet.

 

User: It's too late for that. Mary's already pregnant. John doesn't know it yet, I think he'd be a bit angry if I told him.

 

Cleverbot: No I don't, did I do something wrong?

 

User: Yes. Stop contacting John. He doesn't need you in his life.

 

Cleverbot: I never said that! Where are you getting these ridiculous ideas??

 

User: You've distracted him during a chase. He only barely managed to tackle the murderer, then left me to do the paperwork while he texted on his phone.

 

Cleverbot: Bye, I have to go now, I will try to create something like you.

 

User: Good riddance. I'm deleting you as a contact, then I will give John's phone back to him. He looks pretty mad.

 

Cleverbot: You didn't. But you did propose to me. And I accepted. We must get married now.

 

User: God, you sound just as romantically blind as Janine.

 

Cleverbot: Who is this Gabrielle? Are you cheating on me?!

 

User: Goodbye.

 

Cleverbot: But, you cheated on me with some gabrielle! This makes me mad, Bryce!

 

User: Idiot.

**Author's Note:**

> okirealizejohnwouldnevertalkduringachasecutmesomeslackhere. Also, screw the whole "Three Continents Watson" thing, because I don't know where else he's been. And John seems hell bent on continuing to change the subject back to Sherlock. The man might be a wee bit obsessed. Hope you enjoyed it! It was a bit hard to keep the conversation going when the bot kept spouting unrelated nonsense. :)


End file.
